Meeningfully

After more than a month of late nights, stress, panic, mega sian-ness, [ stubborn and non-growing follicles ]..... I can finally throw work away and go on my trip! Just to have constantly remind myself that the world will not collapse if I am not around! Just have to tell myself that this is ONLY a job! Land of Night Markets..... Here I come!!!!  

I don't know if such a word even exist. Anyway... my journey of starting a family, with the situation I am faced with is seemingly getting a bit over the top for me. I  twitch at every  pain and discomfort, hoping it means something to only face disappointment every single time. Sometimes, I admit I seem to be creating my own signs.. It's probably all psychological. I have tried to blog less about my TTC journey so as not to bore people following my blog, but when there is no one to talk abt this... Or should I say no one who has had  similar experiences tfor me  share this in detail with .... It's tough. Really tough.  But... I do take comfort in knowing that I am not alone, In fact I am part of a statistic. Whenever the little twitches get to me, I will start googling to see if it is a sign of pregnancy... or just my mind playing tricks on me! There are many  women out there who have been through worst than I have... so... i am really learning to let go... give myself mo

After a hectic month…plus news of more changes in the office again… i feel i am getting burnt out soon…   Glad that my holiday is just 4 more sleeps away, but i am hardly excited. Have not planned…. have not thought of what i want to do in perth…   Breathe shermeen …. breathe!

A colleague  of mine passed away last thursday night / friday morning… Her passing was very sudden , and people around her did not even have time to say their goodbyes. Till today, we do not even know what caused her death as she was well and good on Thursday morning… she had no illness… and always been her bubbly, friendly and helpful self. The word was stress, and that was the silent killer. Though not apparent, she worked too hard and vented too little. What broke our hearts was she left behind a 10 year old daughter and her hubz was in Canada on a business trip.   People all around the office were clearly affected as we have in one way or another worked with her. And being the nice person she always was… sadness just fills our hearts.   I think the most important thing is, her departure is a wake up call to many. Work is really not the be all and end all. We do not have the faintest idea when our last day on earth will be… so why get all worked up… pissed… angry… furious ov

I cannot help but ask myself that question in recent times.   I wonder if I have done anything so wrong that I’m being punished to go through bouts of uncertainty in the pro-creation area.   After mustering up that little bit more courage, agreeing to go through the surgery, we  find ourselves back at ground zero.   Pipes are still clogged and any attempt to unclog it will in fact make it worse. My mind froze momentarily. I seriously did not know how to react to this new insight into the state of my system.   Why me?   Maybe it is God’s way of telling me that time is still not yet right. He led me to go for the surgery so that i can take time necessary for me to take a break to complete the journey. It’s probably time to slow down… and get closer to Him.

Off to happy place for a week… Hopefully by the time i am back… i can feel a tad happier… Kimchi-land…. HERE I COME!

Realised I have not been conscientiously updating my blog, and not because i have ran out of things to write about. I have always used this as an avenue for me to vent my frustrations  or share my joys, and the past one month has been no lack of frustrations…. short of joys. As Lillian Too has quite accurately said in her “Fortune & Feng Shui 2010” , the year of the Tiger is going to be tough one for monkeys. To be very honest, while i enjoy reading these fortune and fengshui stuff… i never really believed them, neither do I follow them. But i can’t help marveling at how much of what has happened  has got so much parallels with book. There’s been a whirlwind of events since the lunar new year, and I am seriously struggling to keep my head above the water. I am trying to keep my spirits up, as I know the journey ahead will be rather bumpy. I started the year losing a very dear friend … my dog… and his passing is something, till today, we are not able to talk about  in the

Grabbed the title of this post off one of my friend’s msn status  I felt it makes so much sense and that this definitely something lacking in many many people. Take a minute to reflect on the happenings of the day… did you get upset at someone or feel some people are incompetent? Or did someone think little of you… and you felt like you’ve been bashed up left, right & centre? Well… we often hold ourselves high in esteem and in bid to protect ourselves, we close our hearts to others. That’s probably why there’s so many unhappy souls out there… me included. :) I am going to start making this my daily mantra… “ Cultivate a big heart & small ego”….

One thing I love about being a chinese is the chance to have a second try @ making new year’s resolutions. It’s always easy to erase the resolutions made on 1st Jan… and create new ones just to make myself feel better. Or rather… to pretend not having broken any resolutions made. I told myself to face challenges this year with optimism, and control stress in my best efforts. Barely 2 months into 2010, I have succumbed and started getting upset over the endless piles of rubbish called work. Can’t help wondering if I am at the right place, and if I am appreciated at all. A sudden, yet familiar urge subconsciously takes over. The urge of walking away to find myself. Anyway… hope the year of the tiger brings all that everyone hopes for. I wish it will be a year of hope & joy… :) Happy New Year… and i want to continue to face life with optimism! 

Yes, courage is what i ask for in 2010. 2009 flew right past me… and looking back now, I hardly had the time to stop and reflect on the year’s happenings. In many ways, 2009 marked the start of many things in my life… like UrbanNook…..increased (& still growing) responsibility  @ work….. sudden realisation that I am turning 30 this year & yet have so much I have yet to experience…… most importantly, it’s a start of a long journey to get my first-born. And, this last bit is what i need the  most courage for. Writing this in itself takes a bit of courage. I found out months ago that I need help in getting pregnant. Although i always suspected i would have problems… i brushed it aside. I guess what i needed was just for someone professional to tell me so. But, truth always hurts yah? It does, and that’s why I kept it from everyone. In actual fact… i am dying to talk to people… dying to seek solace in people who understand the journey I am on… as the disappointment  kills me

The past couple of weeks have been really hard to manage. Day on day, i find it extremely hard to get out of bed to go to work. Work has been piling up … and you could probably picture me hidden behind piles of documents and files… all waiting for me give them some tender loving care. But… while the world does not stop revolving because i feel like I am drowning, i wish i can just drop dead and maybe all will then end. As extreme as it may sound… that’s what i feel at the end of each day. What’s most unwelcoming is when some other selfish people threaten to take away what means so much to me in this job. With so little time on hand, i really don’t need to find myself fighting for other people’s job if everyone can just work together amicably. At times like this, I often wonder what’s life like on the other side. Don’t ask me which side…. any side will do.

all it takes is for two people to be less assuming, less demanding, more accommodating, less antagonistic…. and all will be well. With these constant misunderstandings, now she thinks you don’t care about her, and she thinks you are a selfish jerk…. It is no wonder you can never be compared to the other…. and watever you do can never be matched-up. This is what makes my blood boil! Sometimes…. all you need to do is just say it. Say what you feel rather than keep quiet all the time…or antagonize her. Time to stand up for what’s right….

The past two weeks have been really hectic. In the words of a friend..”times are bad, so you got to work like hell to ensure you keep your job!” No doubts about that… but what makes my blood boil every single day is the constant stream of negativity generated by the people around. Sometimes i wonder… why are some people just so selfish…stubborn…and narrow minded. They will do anything…  paving the way for themselves to rise above…. yet indirectly cost others their jobs. Do they even know that they are being destructive… Why do they think that everyone else around them are incompetent? Truth is , it’s probably a sign of insecurity…knowing that there are so many smarter and better players out there…. and it scares them… so their first line of defense is to smear shit all over the good… misleading the rest to also think good is evil… and evil is good. I am sick and tired of this crap. Get a life! Spend time working rather than dig graves for others… cos one day… you will find yo

i dun want to go to work tomorrow. In fact…. i am dreading it. i wish i can have more time to work on UrbanNook. There’s so much i can do … but time is not a luxury now. i am yearning for a beach getaway. i want to do absolutely nothing for a month. i am getting extremely pressured…. to do two person’s job. i dun know how long i can hold out. i hope stress does not get the better of me. i need to stay focused but i can’t seem to. project b is getting no where, which adds to the list of things i am most worried about. i want to go to bed now, but i am afraid that when i open my eyes…. it’s time to go to work. i am tired. Good night.

The downpour this morning did not do any justice to everybody’s moods. Well… at least I speak from my heart, and from what I see around me. I woke up with the determination to smile, be happy, and that life will still go on despite the storm.  Doesn’t quite help. Doesn’t quite change anything…. When I look around … things are REALLY  not the same anymore. No smiles… no bustling activity… no chatter….no warmth. Tears starting welling up once again…. I thought I was done with the tears last night. Apparently not. Everytime someone walks past and ask me if I am alright… i become expressionless and speechless.  In all honesty….what do you expect me to say? Or how do you expect me to react? The impact is so great that my emotions got the better of me this time round, and I thought it wouldn’t. All I want to do now is crawl under the blanket… hug my bolster and not think anymore. I don’t know why it hurts so much. Please tell me. …. perhaps it is a sign…..

After trying to get to Tiger for a few days...but to no avail. This is what i found in my mailbox. Angry, disappointed, pissed...... So much for reminding me of the great deal I had! Dear Tiger airways... you sure did remind me of my flight to BKK... and it sure was a GREAT DEAL! Great deal of pain and frustration! Thanks for the GREAT  DEAL of customer service you provided.... !!!