IVF Round 3 - Heartbreak comes in many ways

I looked at my last post and realized that I have not written for over a month.

Well...accurately, I have written. I wrote a lot. Just that it wasn't here.


As we go deeper into this journey to overcome our fertility issues, it seems like God wants to teach us how to handle more heartbreaks.

When we embarked on IVF at the beginning of 2015, we knew it wasn't going to be easy. However, we wanted another child bad enough to give this a go. We had 2 tries in 2015. The first was halted. The second was not successful and decided on a third (and last) in 2016 even though I knew 2016 is going to be ultra busy for me at work.

People have been telling me to plan it after the mega events at work, but I persisted because I didn't believe in putting my life on hold just because of work.

A lot of prep went into this round. We started with growth hormones since January, and oh boy(!!)..They did not come cheap.

 It was a whooping $2,000 a month, and we had to be on it for 3 months before we can start the usual stimulation jabs. Growth hormones are meant to help improve the quality of the embryos, however, it has no effects on the quantity.

So...did it work? I have to say...definitely yes.

While we had a lot less in terms of "yield", the quality of what we had was superb.

We retrieved 4, and had 2 at transfer day with one of the most beautiful embryo I have ever seen. I had one 5AA, the quality any IVFer would like at transfer.

We got pregnant (much to our surprise).

But, the happiness was short-lived.

At week 5, I started bleeding and was told part of my baby's sac was detached. At week 6 +,  when most pregnant mums have seen the heartbeats of their baby, I couldn't.

We prayed so hard, and managed to see it at week 7 day 5 (but was told he measured a week less). By week 8 day 5, I was told his heart has stopped.

Mine broke.

I had intended to let the miscarriage happen naturally. However, with all the events that were coming up in the weeks ahead, we took the decision to remove our baby (now lovingly known as J3) quickly, very unwillingly.

J3 joins J2 in heaven, in the arms of the Lord. They are our angel babies. (We lost J2 due to an ectopic pregnancy in 2013)

Our hearts still ache, and I don't think we will ever forget the moments we had our angels although they were here only for a while.

It has been the toughest 2 weeks for me. When we thought we are numb to failures of IVF, the biggest blow is losing what we had desired for the longest time, even before we can announce their presence.

My heart is hurting, yet I needed to be rational and fulfill my commitments at work.

I put on a smile every day, but I am dying inside.

Today, with all the madness at work done and dusted, I can finally let the sadness flow.  We can properly say our goodbyes.

 Dear Angels,  you will forever be in Papa and Mummy's hearts.   We don't love you any less even though we are not able to hold you in our arms.  Till we see each other again, please bask in the love God.        - Your loving parents