Current state of mind

Today, as I write this in the still of the night, my tears are flowing.

I am a crybaby alright! I always see my tears as a weakness, so I always try to hide them behind a smile. However, like the clouds,there are days when the tears just cannot be held back any longer and they flow like the rain.

Earlier this year, I was promoted. It was, to me, a recognition of the sacrifices I have made and the decision I took to continue working even with a child. More so for leaving a job I so loved, to an industry I had at that time, no idea of what it stands for.

It wasn't always smooth sailing. During my first year in the job, nothing seemed right. J was only 7 months old then. I refused to work beyond 5pm as I had to ensure I got to the infant care centre before 7pm.

I refused to attend any company events that's after office hours. Even for our company offsite, I had to fly home earlier because J was sick and needed mummy. I made no friends at work and was pretty much an island.

2 months into the job, I had to take almost a week of childcare leave because J was hospitalised due to suspected kawasaki disease.

Another 2 months later, J had his first ever case of HFMD and it coincided with our house move. What was a 3 day leave to manage the move became a week.. or was it more?

What broke me was my ectopic pregnancy. That wiped me out for another 2 weeks from my new job. I clearly remembered being a total wreak inside. I hated the world, and more so myself. I wasn't able to cry. All I had in my mind was the sound of  "his" heartbeat. The first and last time I heard it before "he" left. The memories remain vivid till this day.

I never really told anyone this before. If it wasn't for J, I might have really died. When I was lying in the ambulance and in the emergency room, drifting in and out of consciousness, all I thought about was J. 

I went back to work pretending nothing happened even though I had at some point wanted to resign. I didn't know what to do with myself. I needed to grief, yet I had to run a department and care for my one year old.

So I trudged on. 2 years I am today. Promoted with quite a lot on my shoulders.

During the same period, we tried to have another child via 3 (or was it 4) so-iuis and 2 IVFs.

None worked, and I begin to question if this is where I should be or want to be.

Admittedly, I have no answers at this moment. Someday, somehow, something will have to give. 

Till that day,  I am glad I am alive today and I remain grateful.

The song that reflects my mood right now. I will continue to dream, and try.