1st FET Failed: Another baby hope dashed...

... right before Christmas.

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After our successful stimulated cycle and retrieval, we took a break at the suggestion of our doctor.

We agreed that we will get the transfer done 3 months later (which is November).

While waiting, I decided to get my health or rather system back on track by going for acupuncture. We have always heard it helps to "tiao" our bodies and can be extremely helpful in increasing success rates of IVF.




Then I realised I am not getting my periods. Nothing really new here since part of my infertility problem is the lack of periods. What this means in the instance is that the transfer may not take place in November... but indefinitely.  So, we orchestrated to start transfer a month earlier in October.

All the preparation was done where I had to start on progynova so that the right amount of estrogen is accumulated which then was supposed to ensure my uterine lining is thick enough to receive the eggs PLUS sustain a pregnancy if it happens.

Alas! Life sometimes like to throw us lemons!

No matter how much estrogen I was dosing, my lining will not go beyond 8mm, which is the minimally accepted thickness before transfer of the embryos is ordered. You can imagine how my heart sunk when my doctor said,

" Let's not waste the embryos. Postpone.".

Deep down, I knew it really wasn't the best time for the transfer either as I was sick for a good month, and that was probably also the reason why the lining refused to grow. But, for us, there is so much expectations, that it becomes hard to accept instantly.

Never mind. We trudged on and prepared for the next cycle.

I thought at that point, maybe it is really the will of God to have this happen in November.

Positivity always helps, yes?

Well, it did, because I took the whole hormones dosing easier the second time.

Mind you, this second round of preparing for FET was far worse in terms of the doses of hormones.

On top of being on 6 caplets of progynova, I also had to be constantly on estrogen patches that caused horrible skin allergy. I was also on baby asprin, and 5 days before transfer, I had to jab myself every morning with Puregon. There was also Crinone ( a progesterone suppository) 2 times daily starting 3 days before transfer.

Then, there were the frequent acupunctures and chinese medicine.

"We were taking every chance we have, and trying to make it a possibility. We were doing everything right, to make things right. "

Thinking about it now, I don't know how I managed with events at work, and all the shuttling to and from the doctors'.

It is hard, again, not to think with the best shot we are giving that the outcome will be positive.

Our spirits were high and at times talked to J about the possibilities of finally giving him a brother or a sister, or even both given that we were transferring 2 embryos.

The transfer was a breeze. The two-week-wait (TWW) started off great. It got harder closer to test date but I pat myself on my back for preserving till the day before our bloodwork was due. I took a home pregnancy test (HPT) after my TCM doctor said she felt a very positive pulse.

"That was when my world crushed. Again. " 

In most IVFs done globally, we are never encouraged to take a home pregnancy test as any tests too early may either give a false positive or false negative. Whichever the outcome is, the definite answer would be via a blood test.

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No matter how many times I see a negative on a pee-stick, I can never really get used to it.

The moment when the heart turns cold. The trying to fight back the tears and remain positive.  The self-comforting moment telling myself that maybe this is just a false negative.  It is just so hard. 

I took the HPT just before bedtime. Walking out of the bathroom, I reported my finding to the man. Kissed the boy, laughed at his antics and forced myself to not cry.

The next day, just before I left the house to get my bloodtest done, I finally broke down. While I tried to be positive, deep down I knew it was the end. I just knew,  given it has been 17 days past fertilisation. It has been too long. We have long past the window for implementation to take place.

I don't know how I was able to walk into my doctor's clinic all smiles, and chit chatted with the nurses like I didn't know anything. Then they asked if I took a HPT. I smiled and said,

"Yes. It was negative". 

The silence after that was deafening.

Perhaps, taking the HPT cushioned the real news. When the clinic called, I took the news, said my thank you and went on with my day. I weeped while hugging my napping boy and got my heart and mind back on track so I can return to work.

I hate it when I cannot grief. I hate it when I have to always act normal all the time. I hate it when people drop all the unnecessary advice when they have never been through what I have. But, what can I do?

The hardest part now is dealing with the boy who has been hoping and wishing and praying for a sibling. But when he saw me weep, it seemed like he knew. So when I asked him,

"What if you will never have a didi or meimei?" 

Here's what he said,

"Nevermind. I will be mummy and papa's only favourite boy". 

But, I know he still is hoping because these were some of the conversations that followed after:

This is a snippet from my Dayre. 

It has been 2 weeks. I don't know if I am really over the heartbreak. Since then, I have been toying between "contentment" and "perseverance".  And at times like this, I remind myself of this beautiful story from Sweet Memoirs. Blessings will come when the time is ripe. And often blessings may be beyond what we hope for. Trying hard to continue to believe there's better things waiting for us.



This time, I kept most of my FET mumblings on Dayre, just so it is more private. But, I am thankful for the support I got from a small group of mummies and other fellow IVFers who followed my journey. The positive vibes I got from this group helped me through whenever I felt lousy.

There's also the small group of people in the office who knows about the whole IVF and FET episodes and always made sure I was never alone. They made sure I travelled with other colleagues when I initially wanted to be on my own. Thanks for all the love, and always looking out for me.

While a door closes, I constantly remind myself of all these little blessings in my life.

Where to now? I really am unsure. As I type this, I am psyching myself for my visit to my gynae tomorrow. Yes. No matter how many times we face failure, it does not make the next time any easier.

Praying for strength. And, if you are on a similar journey, I am rooting for you too.





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