infertility ivf diaries Jonas Letter to my angels motherhood pregnancy reflections
To the one who never made it
Dear little one,
It is funny how I have never met you, never really seen you on that black and white screen, yet I feel like you have been a huge part of me in the last 9 months.
I have often thought about you , wondered if you are a he or she . And if you are a he, would you be just like your brother.
I made up images of you and your brother having so much fun together and wished your life was long enough to see the light.
The only memory I have of you is the sound of your beating heart just before you had to go. No proper good byes. No quiet time together.
Today, you are supposed to be in my arms for the first time. However, you decided to be the brave one. You left so that I could live.
All this time, I thought I have come to terms with your leaving. I showed little emotions when you were sent off. Of course I cried. But I made it a point to do it secretly. When people asked, I never displayed signs of grief because I didn't think anyone would really understand.
For the first time in 9 months, I allowed sadness to consume me, and cried buckets and in full view of people. The tears didn't stop flowing, and it is only then that I realised I kept the grief to myself for far too long.
It's finally time for mummy to bid you farewell, time to let you go and time for me to move on. I know you will continue watching over us just like how I will always think of you. You will always have a special place in my heart.
Love you always, mummy.