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Living up to expectations
How many of us have gotten upset or angry when people critisise or question the things we do, the way we lead our lives and as a mother, the way we bring up our kids.
People will bound to have their own opinion of things, and that's perhaps their right. How we react to it is maybe a reflection of how we think we have "performed" in their opinion. But does it really matter?
Subconciously, we get upset because we don't live up to their expectations. At least that's what I realise when I reflect upon some of the things that affect me.
As a child, I was very afraid of not doing well in school as I know my mum will be disappointed. We were often compared to our overachieving cousins who all made it to the top schools in singapore (of the R family) plus prestigious universities in the UK and US. I made it to Australia only because I failed my A Levels.
As I started dating, I cried myself silly when my then boyfriend decided to leave me. I thought I wasn't good enough him.
When I eventually started working, I tried my best to meet my bosses expectations, even if it means sacrificing time with my friends and family.
After getting married and living with the in-laws, I cringe at every unnecessary comment , blood boiled when my OCD way of living met with criticisms. When baby did not come in the first few years, the comments got more irritating. Then when baby eventually came after 6 years, I wasn't quite prepared for the way they had something to say about everything.
After years of fearing of being inadequate in one way or another, I asked myself recently if I was truly living my life as who I really am.
Who am I? And, what really defines me? Do I need to get worked up when my ideas are being questioned? Do I need to think any less of the things I have given so much thought to just because others don't like them?
I have recently started looking at things differently, and do things to my best effort. I often tell others that as long as I have put my best foot forward, and nothing against my conscience, I have met my own expectations. What they think will not affect me. I want to be able to spend precious time on things that matter to me than to worry about what others think of me.
I have been preaching the same to the man too as he is recently getting affected by his work. It is sad to see him sometimes losing himself and I wish he can take a step back to assess if he is doing beyond what the normal standards are.
While I continue to find myself, my hope for J is that he will grow to be someone true to himself. He will at some points in his life be eager to please. To seek the approval of people around him, myself included. While there are standards that society dictates, I hope J does not lose sight of who he really is.
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