Learning to let go

There were many instances in my 32 years that have got me wondering why life couldn't be smoother or fairer.

Growing up was tough.

We were not well off hence everything I wanted had to come with a price. When faced with adverse situations, I often am able to find my way out of it, of course not without some hard work. I guess that shaped me to be who I am today. A perfectionist in my own right. All that I put my heart to do, had to be executed to planned....best if it is flawlessly too. I sound like a nazi, and the truth is I am.. and still is (to a certain extent).

Then came my quest to be a parent, and the hiccups encountered along the way made me realize that sometimes, it is best to leave things in the hands of God and let him lead the way. There is no perfection without faith.

We got married in 2006. I was 26, he was 27. We spent a good deal of money on the wedding & the house so having kids was the last thing on our minds. Moreover, I often told myself that I still had 4 years before I should panic, and 4 long years should be more than enough time to conceive. How difficult could that be right?

Accepting the fact that I needed help to conceive was hard. Going through the treatment and process took a lot of will power. Seeing a negative on the stick every single time we tried made me felt useless.

In many ways, it broke me as I started being angry at everyone - the hubby for not doing the right things to help in the fertility area. The friends for having baby after baby. Most of all, I was angry with myself for many things. Not starting younger, not taking care of myself, not saving enough to seek help.

You can imagine, it was pretty much a lonely time for me since I never quite shared how I felt about the whole episode. I also didn't want to attend birthday parties nor meet up with other mummies for fear of the constant questions around why I wasn't able to conceive.

As Jonas turns one year old next month, nothing can express how thankful I am to have been able to walk through the last few years.

Being a mother, and a good one is not easy. However, I always remind myself of the internal struggle I went through just to have Jonas. That helps me deal with the challenges of motherhood.

Today, as the man and I speak of trying for number 2, I think I am more prepared for the arduous process, at the same time, the disappointments that may hit us along the way.

Learning to let go of perfection is much desired, something I am still trying to master. But, accepting that these little flaws will often make us stronger is the biggest lesson I have learnt.

The day brought my little miracle home


Linking up with :

A Juggling Mom Motiviational Monday

And, joining Mommy Rachel from Catch Forty Winks on her TNT linky: 

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